All of this is written in the third person. I am talking to myself. I take this style from Aurelius’ “Meditations” for three reasons (very Presbyterian of me to keep it to three main points). One because that was the inspiration, two because I put this in practice as a thought exercise before putting it to paper and three, because the endless use of “I” started to feel self-centered and it is more important that the ideas be the focus of this project.

SELF

—Let’s take a different approach to singleness. No longer feeling the need to justify it, as though it were the poor lot in life God gives to those He loves less, which is what the angry justifying appears to imply. Rather explore the concept itself and how to contend with it if it is your lot. This may require a more Stoic approach since American Christianity is failing you spectacularly and has for quite some time. Recall conversations you’ve had, organically and in bible study, on singleness, but specifically 1 Corinthians 7:32-35, where it is implied single people lack anxieties that married people contend with. Remember also books you have read ostensibly about living in singleness that essentially said, “it is a gift from God, but grow up and get married, the only reason you’re not at this point is because of sinful behavior.” Whether that’s imputing motive or not, get rid of this thought. Now.

—In this exploration, the first and most important thing you must do is to not begrudge anyone, even those you may be attracted to, their happiness with other people, or, if it was someone you were interested in, take it as a judgement against yourself, although the latter is your natural inclination in all things, anyway. It is more important to exalt a good thing coming about in a decaying, soulless world, than concern yourself with whether that good is falling on you. Do not be like the particularly narcissistic person in your life who asked a recently engaged friend on two separate occasions if their wedding was still on, before suggesting in a small group that it’s better to call it off before it ends in divorce. On your worst day, even alone on your deathbed, avoid this. I don’t think you were ever in danger of it, but if you are, be aware of this and avoid it.

Pray for the engaged and married in your life. Pray first that it would bring the two closer to each other and closer to God. Pray God’s protection against people like the narcissist, the cynics who believe even love isn’t worth it, the cultural flippancy toward the institution. Do not finish a time of prayer without repeating something to this effect

—Whoever said it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all is an idiot. You’ve never been in a relationship, but it’s not hard to imagine that one who is in a loving relationship, who loses it, is in a worse position than you who has never felt “deep”, romantic love. Then again, cynicism has weakened you, loss has weakened them, so you both have taken two different paths to the same place

—Aurelius once observed that “The greater grief comes from consequent anger and pain, rather than the original cause of our anger and pain”. This he leads up to by first noting that something that does not directly affect you, in that it doesn’t directly affect your relation to another, should not cause you pain beyond maybe the initial jolt. Accept the position and serve the people like you always have. If it does affect you in some way, for example friends or family moving away, do not let it affect you to the point where you are too eager to serve or to see them. You have plenty of time, on earth and in heaven, to see them.

—Others do not pour into you as often as you pour into others. This is either, as the Stoic notes, in their nature, which is doubtful because they seem perfectly willing to be with you when you ask, or because you do not make your needs clear. You have an immense ability to serve others regardless of how you are feeling, but are quick to avoid anyone knowing any of your thoughts, especially anything vulnerable. Perhaps your ability to recharge by yourself is diminishing. Think very carefully about how you deal with this.

A roommate is someone who will either find someone and leave you, become some part of the scenery, or positively impact your life. A relationship carries the same possibilities, from a different starting point, one with a more strongly implied loyalty between each other. Are you willing to take the 1 in 3 chance for good to come from either? It does not appear so. You don’t see it as “1 in 3”, those sound like good odds. You see it instead, as “33%” The kind of odds you’d go with were it a certain cancer’s 5-year survival rate, but not on something that won’t kill you, but has an over 50% chance of either changing nothing or making your sacred space toxic. This belief may come back to bite you

Consider the well-meaning optimists who used to jab you with “you’ll find someone” in your early days as a Christian. Is the conclusion of that arc simply “you’ll find a group”? Not a person but rather a community to pour into? However long your life is, maybe it is best to, as Hitchens said, burn the candle at both ends. It’s important to note, however, that Hitchens smoked as much as he drank and was referring to that behavior. You must exhaust your energy in thought and service.

This is not to say that you won’t “find someone”, it would, of course, be great if you did. For now be content with your group, even if with each passing year, you are closer to becoming the only unmarried one in that circle.

—Why serve others? You’ve said before that it is because your father and his side of the family insisted on (actually, let’s just get rid of euphemisms, “demanded and felt entitled to”) being served and never serving and so you simply do the opposite. But this is where your place as a Christian changes you, through the thinkers of the past. Combine Aquinas’ declaration that “love is willing the good of the other” with Lewis’ observation that it is impossible to “love someone disinterestedly”, and John’s observation that we love God because he first loved us (1 John 4:19), you have what drives one taken by the Spirit to serve others; Piper’s description: “Love is the overflow of joy in God that gladly meets the needs of others”. You, having that Spirit within you, should see to it that you are incapable of deeply loving other people primarily to spite someone else.

More from Piper: “Mere warm feelings can never replace actual deeds of love (James 2:16 and 1 John 3:18) but efforts of love must be made even in the absence of the joy that one might wish were present”

Failing all of that, when you are not feeling joyful, once again, remember Aurelius: “The best revenge is not to be like your enemy”

You. Love. People. Not everyone, granted, but despite what may have been your best intentions to avoid it, you can’t. Remember that you are not your own. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) and Adam McHugh’s point about God’s work going against your natural grain. This element of His work in you, transforming you from a hermit to a servant, is complete and will continue to bear fruit.

When you joke that, “this is not natural”, you are right. You have seen how you are inclined to think of yourself, serve yourself and essentially focus on yourself. But that has shifted in recent years. You are still prone to think of yourself way too much, but at least there is God’s work moving in the opposite direction

For as long as you are single, keep 1 Corinthians 7 close to mind, specifically that one who is not married is concerned with the things of God, (1 Corin 7:32). So you are called to put your gifts, in this case strength, endurance, time and ability, to use in serving others. Host people as they have hosted you, though that may be more difficult than anything else you’ve done.

—-You are a single extrovert. You must live in the tensions and joys of both calls. As best you can, do not begrudge it. When you struggle (with loneliness or whatever it may be), avoid “cold comforts” or sinful patterns that still haunt you, but also avoid wandering into lamentation that makes doing anything at all seem meaningless. Reach out to someone and find a time to get together.

Addition: “cold comfort”, just as a phrase, sounds like someone trying to be consoling when you and the speaker both know it’s not helping anything and nobody is fooling anyone

—You once thought, for a long time, that there would come a point where your life would not be worth living and that nobody would miss you. While you know that is untrue now, what could someone say about you that is possibly worse than what you’ve already said, and more importantly believed, about yourself? 

Do not, as some might, take this to say that you are above criticism. But use this to be able to accept criticism from friends and family, with the barrier against suicide and feelings of complete worthlessness safely installed through experience and finding your value in God.

Do you still feel somewhat worthless on occasion? That is to be expected, it’s been your default for years. Look at this as a battle for sobriety (in this case, sober thinking). Also, look at the green, red and blue bands you wear. Three groups of people have built you, seen worth in you, continue to be with you. To say nothing of four members of your family and some do not even have that. Moreover, you look like one brother. Do not damage that reflection.

But, if we can indulge in a bit of levity, never get a tattoo. Not out of fear that the groups represented in the bands will severely and purposefully harm you, just do not ever get a tattoo, it fits others, but you will never be comfortable with it. That’s why you have the bands in the first place.

— In seeking “what makes one happy”, this means that when one is not doing whatever that is, then he is no longer happy and something is missing. Therefore, do not seek happiness, but joy, or at the very least, contentment.

Do not seek happiness in your work. Do not seek happiness in your friends or family. Seek joy in Scripture, in philosophy, in family, in friends, in community, in service.

—Who started the movement of “finding inner peace” and how much hardship did he face? It is harder to seek “inner peace” than it is to seek God in times of turmoil or doubt (or when you are, for example, a natural cynic). Whether it exists or not apart from God (not likely), you are not familiar with that kind of inner peace. Your natural bend is toward pessimism, anyway. So maybe this “inner peace”, if it does exist and it worth pursuing, is beyond you to the point where you need to seek peace elsewhere.

That said, anyone who thinks inner peace is just a hum and closed eyes away, apart from God, has a strength of denial the worst of the politicians would envy.

COMMUNITY

Who serves you? It is rare anyone randomly checks in on you as you do for others and you are almost always the one who begins every encounter. The exceptions notwithstanding, consider that you are served when you ask others if there is a time to get together. 

Bonhoeffer’s observation: “physical presence of another Christian is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer”. Is it enough that you must ask for help? Yes, though you may wish the ratio was a bit less slanted to one side, they don’t know what your mind’s like, they have their own worries which are more present and more regular than you. It is selfish, and a little pathetic, to be asking for constant company, but there is joy in the company you do have.

—When visiting friends, be as little of a burden as possible. You have the ability to visit friends, who may be able to host you overnight as well. Sleep on the couch if that is what is available and help where you can. What you save in hotels, more than make up for in helping and nothing is beneath you.

Also, realize that you spent the first 6 years of knowing most of these people as a proudly distant, self-sufficient-appearing hermit. Your past has done you no favors, but it is wasteful to regret this when you are now far deeper into a community than that version of you ever thought possible, or worse, worthwhile…

—Note however that Bonhoeffer’s comment comes from a double-edged warning. Let he who cannot be in community, beware of being alone. But let he who cannot be alone, beware of being in community; The latter “will only do harm to themselves and to the community….you cannot avoid yourself….all must fight their own battle with death by themselves.” To the former, “You are called into the community of faith…you pray into the community of faith (into which you are called)….If you neglect the community of other Christians, you reject the call of Jesus Christ.”

In other words, learn the difference between solitude and isolation, as well as point at which you are a welcome guest or a welcome voice, and a nuisance. You seem to have figured out the latter more quickly than the former. While you find it difficult to read people or understand social settings, you still have to learn this.

—If your friends don’t think about you often, which you can’t confirm, but assume it for now, this is not necessarily a sign of indifference from your friends. But there is comfort in this; those who dislike you think about you even less, and neither you nor they want to hear from the other. Take this as a point that people don’t think about you as often as you imagine they do when you consider whether someone dislikes you, either. As you know from your own experience, you think about the people you dislike less than the ones you like, and less still than the ones you love. 

Remember also Aurelius’ thoughts on this. If someone dislikes (or, his words, “despises”) you, it is their problem and that your sole aim is to be “kind and well-intentioned to all”, for “our inner thoughts are open to the gods’ eyes: they should see a man not disposed of any complaint and free of self-pity”. Remember, more importantly, Christ’s admonition that those who love him will be hated by the world, as well as the numerous statements from Christ, Qoholeth (the writer of Ecclesiastes) and others that your identity is not to be found in the admiration of people, but in God alone, and the purpose for which you were made.

Anyone who dislikes you, for reasons they don’t bring to you, doesn’t have a good reason to dislike you. If you have the same problem, you don’t have a good reason either. 

“If someone can prove me wrong and show me my mistake in any thought or action, I shall gladly change. I seek the truth, which never harmed anyone; the harm is to persist in one’s own self-deception and ignorance” – Aurelius again.

Above all, seek peace (Romans 12:8) or at least the ability to be cordial, if that’s the best you can hope for, but do not hope for the same kind of relationship between you and the narcissist compared to you and, for example, the Westmans or Spallingers.

—On cynicism. For one who has been a cynic for so long, a question; what are you cynical about at this point? Why is it your natural stance with new things and people? You never feel completely safe in most relationships, but you have no reason to doubt them. “What can they do to harm you” is the wrong question. The more pertinent one is “would they harm you?” And the answer is almost certainly “no”.

You have more than who you were 6 years ago could possibly fathom. The single most toxic presence in your life no longer controls you, the people who knew you through your angriest and most cynical times are your closest friends, your home is good and your work is physical. You are known as someone who helps move things in your congregation and one who is quick to help if he can.

So again, what are you cynical about? Politics? It is wise to be cynical of politics, but do not go back to letting it be your identity as those who are stuck online, thinking they’re fighting for human rights on Instagram.

New people? It’s at least smart to be guarded around new people, but “cynical” is thinking too highly of yourself and their capacity to do anything to you except drag the conversation to an awkward point.

Are you cynical of those who made a habit of taking advantage of and abusing you? You do not engage with them almost at all anymore, and you conduct yourself with a guarded cordiality towards the one you are in the same congregation with.

The point is your natural cynicism has its place, but you take it too far. As 5 very close friends, each with significant impacts on your life, are moving in the next two months, perhaps think on how your time with them could’ve been even richer had you been more open with them. They have let you see them at fairly low points and you did not allow any of them to see you in the same way. Further you do not open yourself up to most of the people with whom you will have to form new relationships in the absence of the 5.

In fact, you take your cynicism so far that you make yourself a hypocrite; you do not engage with that which you do not somewhat distrust. Reflect on “Nana”, aka, Elaine Bean, likely the purest friendship you’ve ever known, but never really engaged with outside of church. She was wise, she was kind, she was funny, even in her last few months, she was as realistic as you are cynical and now she is gone. She could’ve been the same light to you as she was to others if you had just engaged with her more. 

Therefore, find the difference between cynicism helping you and cynicism controlling you. Let God primarily guide your mind. If nothing else, try to square in your mind how one who is such a cynic, now finds no greater joy than when he is with people, or helping even those he doesn’t know well move across town or across the country.

Cynicism, at least if it’s been dulled, can probably transform into a kind of caution. You will never be unaware of the negatives, which means you’re in no danger of becoming the dreaded “blind optimist”. But perhaps you need to less quick to look for not just the bad in people (which will not take long to find anyway, in them or in you), but the worst in people. If you don’t you are seeking reasons to dull the relationships you need to function.

—Look at how in control of life you aren’t. You have said over the years that you would never form relationships, that you’d never stay in Pittsburgh, finish college, trust others, give even occasional talks about God and yet here you are, doing all of that and it’s not trivial either, even though it’s clear you’re more consistently in awe of other cities.

You have said you will never be in a serious relationship, and now you are considering it, even though you may be a bit out of your depth there for now.

Regardless, follow Daniel Snoke’s advice from years ago. Leave “never” out of your vocabulary from here on out. At worst, you can say it is “unlikely”.

Before and above all of that, you said you’d never become a Christian, and yet here you are.  Remember Proverbs 16:9 “In their hearts, men make their plans, but the Lord establishes their steps” and Psalm 115:3 “Our God is in the heavens, He does as He pleases”

PLATITUDES:

—Stop simply protesting the platitudes that infect graduation speeches, Osteen shows and similar trash; “Change the world”, “leave a legacy”, “you’re perfect just how you are”, these are all false once examined even slightly and everyone either knows it or will soon learn. Once they’ve been dealt with and the one who believed them has therefore become lost, you can then explain the importance of community, the idiocy of the obsession with legacy and the constant need for self-improvement.

To the first point, years in the grind of politics shows you that you will not change the world, experience and God show you that you are changed by the people around you, and you can impact them. So do so, in a positive way and find joy, and some sense of meaning in that. This is the core of the Book of Ecclesiastes (Ecclesiastes 9:7-10). 

To the second; legacy is the mistaken belief that there is one primary narrative about your life after your death. Everyone assumes it’s the eulogy; how kind and generous you were with all your awkwardness, cynicism, unawareness of blind spots and hermetic phase cut out. There are those who will call you kind and generous, and others who will say you were extremely off-putting, unduly harsh both to yourself and others and could’ve lived a better life if you’d just been a less miserly soul. Which of these is your “legacy”? Neither. One is the opinion of one, and the other the opinion of another, and another still might have a more nuanced take, it is also possible (though “possible” is not “likely”) that someone deeply loves you and being around you more than life but you have no idea and someone else wants you dead and you’re better off not knowing.

To the third: We’ll deal with this more in a bit, but for the moment, compare who you were when you first came to City Reformed with the person you are now once you let the people God put in your life actually be a part of it and you of theirs; Jeremy, Bob, Craig, Amy, Chris, Emily, Ben, the three or four Andrews in your life, Rebecca, Monica, Michele, the Westmans, Larsons, Schwabs, Spallingers, Snokes, Koerbers, Biancos, McMillians, Gywns, Leiningers, Chans, Chos, Skippers, and Stuarts. All of this to say nothing of the team at Elite Iron and those you’ve met in powerlifting. It is impossible the person you were before you let them into your life was perfect “just the way he was”.

One more point on “self-improvement”, remember Socrates declaration that you do not have the right to be weak in physical training. The Apostle Paul states that while your training is of some value, it must come second to godliness (1 Timothy 4:8) You do not remotely appear to be at risk of developing a “gym-bro” personality but…just be aware of it and avoid it.

—“I can’t imagine my life without them”. Yes, you can. There was a time before you knew them and soon you may have to live that life again. In fact, consider a stretch of time without anyone you may say this about. Imagine life without Hannah’s inviting, outgoing nature, without which you probably wouldn’t have gone on some random trip with however many people that was. Eric’s dry, direct wisdom and help in tear down. young Grace and Abby Westman continuing the family effort of making sure your heart melts a level or two despite your best intentions, Pat’s friendship over the last decade (he, along with Hannah, have particularly been with you through your worst hermetic/cynical phase). Katelyn’s excitable personality and how much fun it is to see those two play off each other. Kara and Jenna’s vibrance and playful warmth, John and Jason’s calm, deep intelligence, Chrissie’s unrelenting positivity and Matt’s calm guidance, each of these and others have left an indelible mark on you, and while you can imagine life without them, you will come to realize it is good you don’t actually have to live without them.

This is probably a good exercise for everyone to imagine life without the ones they love, but this needs to be with a few caveats. The first is a reminder that anyone you say this about clearly means a great deal to you. That you partake in this exercise does not change that. Second, all this can do is put into clearer relief how much those people have made you and your life better. How whatever difficulties arose changed you, and an increased thankfulness for what’s available to us to keep in touch on Earth when we can’t visit, and to see each other again in Heaven.

Lastly, do this with one person at a time. On one hand, life without EVERYONE you love would obviously be miserable, but this is more about marinating in the impact each individual has had on you and what they and your relationship mean to you. The point is, however, that the platitude is false. You CAN imagine life without them. There was a time when you did not know them, and there may come a time when they don’t live near you, so do this to remember and thank God for the people you have with you, for however long they are near.

—“You are perfect just the way you are”. This was NOT true then and it’s not true now, despite the progress you’ve made. A few years ago, you were woefully out of shape, politically obsessed, forever online, cynical, you pushed away people who could’ve helped you, including friends with whom your relationship could’ve grown to be even closer than it is now. Now you have some very deep friendships, you are extremely hard to wear out, you are reliable to groups in four cities, and you, somehow, find joy in intense physical work.

And yet, while you are a problem solver, you are a terrible therapist, and I do mean dreadful. Aloof and occasionally cold, you jump to solving a problem you have not begun to understand and likely cannot fix. You cannot read people, so you either assume it’s not as bad, or when you find that it is that bad, you’re back to problem solving. It’s either hubris, genuine care without direction, a complex or stupidity, but whatever it is, it can and should be fixed

—You trust people, but you don’t let them in, except on extremely rare occasions, and by then it is an utter mess. You are strange around new people, averse to new things, and slow in your study of Scripture. You are vastly improved, but never assume you are perfect the way you are.

This is not meant to be like “keep grinding” comments people today are prone to. What are your weaknesses, and how can you work on them? Do not wallow in your weakness, but do not take the common route of focusing on your strengths at their expense. You are already good at what you do and can get better, but you need significant work to be able to care for others when lifting is not required to be as good as you are when it is.

—“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Tell that to the chemo patient, the abuse victim, the one who has been cheated on, the outcast, the homeless, the injured. What doesn’t kill you is not failing, or did not fail for lack of effort. Even your own hermetic nature is because several trusted people tried to break if not kill you. If one had to guess, you were supposed to kill you. Easier to dominate and gaslight someone then kill them. Easier still to hide the fingerprints.

—“Everything happens for a reason”. This may be true, but this stated by itself leads the listener to seek that reason. The listener is sent on the same quest as the Preacher, to find meaning “under the sun”, that is, apart from God. At best, the listener will struggle to find contentment in an unsatisfying answer, which is doubtful. At worst, the listener will doubt God if he is a Christian or close his heart to Him if he is not. This platitude is meant to be about 2 degrees apart from the idea of “closure”. 

—Closure is the idea that you will stop thinking about someone. Osteen once said that one should reflect on, for example, a lost loved one, but not ruminate on the fact that they are not there, or that the person wishes to see their lost loved one again. Of course, he is both wrong and did not put it nearly as deeply or eloquently as I just did.

All that comes from reading his books is the feeling that you are both not good enough and perfect.