—“Work on yourself, King”. The only thing worse than “Christian self-help” is secular self-help. The so-called “manosphere” and the alpha-dog talk tells you to make yourself better, because in that improvement you will find meaning. Experience reveals this to be false. Even now, as you write, and you read, you cannot explain where the joy comes from, if it comes at all. To what end, or for who, are you making yourself better? For people? Why? Does anyone notice? Or care? If so, that is not why you’re doing anything. If not, what’s it matters??^[1][2]

Then who are you improving yourself for? For Christ? He is making you better.

Perhaps it is best to take a passive view of “improvement”. You have found a circle that is trying to guide you, assuming you let them in, and follow a God whose primary objective is to make you more like Christ. You are your own worst enemy when you are the only one in your head.

Isn’t it strange how nobody has told you that you can’t do something, but you let yourself define yourself by inadequacy (real and imagined) and intense doubt; the deaconate, the CSCS exam, being a trainer, some relationships. You talked yourself out of all of it. When’s the last time you talked yourself into something?

— You are not holding on to your previous meditations. When you feel alone, reach out. When you need help, reach out. You have reached your capacity in your reading, thoughts, and your ability to be by yourself. Talk to people, and meet new people, even if it is uncomfortable.

— Regarding work and service: You will spend years of your life idle as you go over well-trod ground for the umpteenth time. You may not regret having or having not married later in life, but you will regret having squandered the free time you have, and the extra time not being married gave you.

—Your response to how your testimony affected other people was interesting. You did not allow yourself to feel anything close to what you were receiving. Key point is, you did not allow it, meaning you fought it.

Why, after all the time you and others spent going over it and your concern over giving it, did you not permit yourself any joy or thankfulness when it was complete? Granted, you are not the most cheerful person in the room, but that was ridiculous.

Learn to celebrate whatever counts as a major occasion, and not just with a drink or a cookie and “on to the next thing”.

The advantage to being a pessimist: You are either correct or pleasantly surprised.

The disadvantage to being a pessimist: Being “pleasantly surprised” is nothing to celebrate. Have a celebratory drink (one), go to sleep, wake up, and say “That happened, it is over. On to the next thing”

—Consider the possibility that you will not find something you “love”. It is clear, as Lewis and others (not least of which the writer of Ecclesiastes), have observed, that nothing on this Earth will fulfill you by itself, but you seem to be up against the issue of not having one true passion. 

If nothing else, do what your best at, while you still can. You cannot be all things to all people but be what you can be to whoever may have need of you.

This is not to say, as some optimists do “you’ll find it when you least expect it”.  You don’t expect it already. Surely this means it is more likely to blindside you…and yet here we are, un-blindsided, perpetually.

— Do not say anything akin to “this is what my future looks like”. “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow”. (James 4:13)^[3] It’s dangerous to say, “if you can’t be optimistic, don’t be anything”, but consider that your opinion doesn’t matter. It is the task at hand; do it well. (Ecclesiastes 9:10, Meditations Book 3, meditation 12)^[4][5]

At best, approach the future with no expectations. You didn’t expect to live as long you have lived or to have what you do, and some people seemed bent on helping fulfill those expectations. Plan something if you want to, with some semblance of direction, but know you don’t have a clue where you’ll be. (Proverbs 16:9)^[6]

If you struggle to at least be neutral and are wrestling with pessimism, be either ambivalent or try to attain, at the very least, an intensely guarded optimism. But it is evident the pessimism now harms you more than it helped. You don’t know what’s coming, who God is making you to be, who God is putting in front of you, and where God is leading you. If you cannot put away your doubts, perhaps it is best to say: “my opinion doesn’t matter, I will go where God leads me”.  (James 4:14-15)

— When you relapse into a cynical, lonely mindset, keep the point that you are your own worst enemy in mind, but keep the opposite alongside it; your closest friends reflect God’s care for you and whatever you think of you is not shared by most people in your life.

— Remember our conversation on worthlessness. Your vote, while yours, is still one, and you are hilariously outnumbered regarding how many have the same loathsome perception of yourself that you have.

— “Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5) ^[7]. Remain vigilant regarding where your mind is going, who is in control of it, what you’re fighting and what is available to you in the fight. 

—- “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise him, the help of my countenance and my God” (psalm 42:11)^[8]

From Martyn Lloyd-Jones: You must say to your soul: ‘Why art thou cast down’—what business have you to be disquieted? You must turn on yourself, upbraid yourself, condemn yourself, exhort yourself, and say to yourself: ‘Hope thou in God’—instead of muttering in this depressed, unhappy way. And then you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do. Then having done that, end on this great note: defy yourself, and defy other people, and defy the devil and the whole world, and say with this man: ‘I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance, who is also the health of my countenance and my God’^[9]

—Giving your testimony is the end of this rumination, or at least the end of your passively allowing these thoughts to come into your mind. Everyone knew you were a cynic. Everyone now knows you were a self-loathing hermit and are a recovering addict, and yet people are happy to be with you and are happy to have you with them. All this in mind, and considering what you’ve said and believed about yourself in the last year, what, specifically, are you afraid of now, and what could possibly bring that about?

—On depression and addiction; accept that you are in a battle but avoid seeing it in ways the culture is fond of using; Something Osteenian in nature where the key to subduing the darkness is to call it a liar or give it a different label. “Occasional severe mood disruption” being a current favorite. 

You are a recovering pessimist. Recovering. Show yourself grace, but do not refer to yourself as someone stuck in that way of thinking.

However, in the name of reverence, keep anything a megachurch pastor might say about “stealing your joy”. I’m not entirely sure you know what “being joyful” even looks like, so what’s there to steal?

A new term and slogan: Golden retriever theology: “It’s a beautiful day, let’s play”.

Let us take stock of your armory; the good about yourself that you have finally come to accept (what little of that there is), your friends, your family, your lot, and your previous thoughts on the subject. Return, as Aurelius says of philosophy, not as a coward, but as a wounded man seeking care,^[10] and you will find it. In the same way, and for the same reason and expecting the same result, go as God commands, to the place and the people in and around whom He has placed you and bring your concerns to Him (Philippians 4:6-7)^[11] and to those in your life.

—When Aurelius said, “quit your books”^[12], he did not mean to stop reading. He meant to stop reading that which distracted him from anything that enhanced his ability to carry out his purpose. For you, this means you must quit reading theology if it is interfering with your study of Scripture. Quit reading politics and news if it is interfering with your study of philosophy and if it is affecting your soul as it once did.

Lament what’s going on in the world, but you must not care as deeply as you are told you must. There is nothing you can do for Israel, Ukraine, or anywhere else. Lament, but do not allow yourself to be affected by whether it goes this way or that. Turn toward God, and allow Him to manage the world, which He is already doing. You are to care for those you can serve and those who help you. Your “sphere of influence” (assuming without cause that you influence anyone) is extremely small. See to it that your thoughts and actions are edifying to those around you, (book 11, meditation 13),

—On community: Remember Dr. Stivason’s note on 2 Timothy 2:23-25^[13]. The people around you are your “sphere of ministry”. It may be unwise to completely avoid online discussion but approach it knowing you can go for 2 hours and achieve nothing. If you see a ministry opportunity, take it. If the opportunity is becoming a bad faith slog, disengage, and allow that “God may grant repentance, leading to a knowledge of the truth”  

— Perhaps if you spent more time getting people together, that might be reciprocated, and people may get together with you.

(First person for a sec: I believe this, and I’m trying to be an optimist. However, allowing for a brief outburst, it’s exhausting being the only one to reach out. If I am not the mover, then apparently, I am the entertainment. I dread when I get a text from someone and it’s worse when it’s a call, because then I know it’s an urgent move with inflexible dates, it is RARELY anything else. The sermon on “if you’re not getting invited do the inviting” is sound advice. If and only IF the relationship does not stay that one-sided.)

—On politics: Ever notice that even what politicos would consider a victory takes place, even this is declared with an exhausted disdain? Trump gets convicted of something after years of conspiracy and Russian stuff, and the reaction is not couched in some sort of “this is a victory for the Republic” pitch, but a victory of perfect good over perfect evil (neither of which exist),. It’s not that the winners are objectively good, they’re just a different brand of malevolence. Leaving the objective legitimacy of the conviction to the politicos, notice that both sides are not “happy”, the winners are just glad the losers are suffering.

Therefore, regarding politics, take one of two paths. Observe enough of the political process to be aware of it, or ignore it completely as there is little you can do to influence it. To engage in it with emotion is the pathway to thinking the world hangs on your actions. It doesn’t. Or disengage entirely and focus your energies on something else. Perhaps consider Dr. Stivason’s note about your “sphere of ministry” and how you may be able to positively impact those around you. Instead of talking of mental health, work to improve it with more than shallow affirmations. Instead of ranting on politics, consider how politics is detrimental to one’s soul and distracting from more present problems or more fulfilling pursuits.

— “Seeking the welfare of the city” in which God has placed you (Jeremiah 29:7)^[14] is not a matter of public office or activism. In fact, as has been discussed, both fields are likely to disappoint you while making things around you worse. Instead, it is probably better to think of it this way:

In context, it is a message to a group, not a person. Therefore it is not on you to change the world. It is on you and those around you, working in a manner to which you are called by God, to serve those around you. Indeed, those you have regular contact with, that is your sphere of influence. That is your sphere of ministry. That is the only sphere in which you can seek any welfare of anyone. As an individual, this is the work and people placed in your vicinity. Seek their welfare, and hope they are doing the same for those you don’t know in their circle.

It is unwise to contemplate the future; most of what has happened you couldn’t have predicted, some of which you likely never imagined, but now the present is a matter of discontent, and it’s difficult to see a future where you are

—Isn’t it fascinating what people who might call themselves secular will put in place of God? “Spiritual but not religious” as it were. They speak of signs, omens, luck and so on, capitalize Nature while saying it is a benevolent “mother”. Never mind that nature itself had to be conquered before we could have our civilization AND that nature “taking its course” results in death. So we have spiritual realms and occurrences, but there can’t be a spiritual being. They just exist. Self-created, unknowable, personal, indifferent, beautiful.

If this makes sense to anyone, then I’d suggest asking them to explain how personal yet indifferent can be beautiful. One cannot, as Lewis observed “love someone disinterestedly; one who desires to knows you intimately, but couldn’t care less if you live, die, succeed or fail.

---

^[1] “Don’t waste what remains of your life thinking about other people, unless you do so with reference to the welfare of the state. I mean, wondering what so-and-so is doing and why, or what he’s saying, thinking, what his desires are, and so on, which distraction from paying attention to your own directing mind. You have to exclude everything purposeless and random from the sequence of your thoughts, but especially and above all anything prompted by idle curiosity or ill will.” (Robin Waterfield Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations (New York, Basic Books 2021) pg. 51

^[2] Waterfield Meditations, page 99-100

^[3] “Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit”. Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that. But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. (James 4:13-16, NASB1995)

^[4] Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might for there is no activity or planning or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol where you are going (Ecclesiastes 9:10 NASB 1995)

^[5] “If you carry out every present task by following right reason assiduously, resolutely and with kindness; if, rather than getting distracted by irrelevancies, you keep your guardian spirit unspoiled and steady, as though you had to surrender it at any moment; if you engage with the task not with expectations or evasions, but satisfied if your current performance is in accord with nature and if what you say and express is spoken with true Roman honest, you’ll be living the good life. And there’s no one who can stop you doing so” (Waterfield Mediations page 60)

^[6] The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps (Proverbs 16:9, NASB 1995)

^[7] We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ w

^[8] “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God

^[9] Lloyd-Jones, D. M. (2016). Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cures. Zondervan.

^[10] Don’t give up in disgust or weariness if your ability to act consistently on the basis of right principles doesn’t consolidate into a permanent habit. After every repulse, go back, and be happy if the majority of your actions are worthy of a human being. And hold it dear, what you’re going back to. Don’t return to philosophy as a child to a teacher, but as someone with an eye inflammation turns to the swab and eyecup, or as another turns to his bandage and poultice. Then you’ll be showing that compliance with reason is no burden, but a relief.” (Waterfield Meditations page 103-104)

^[11] Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

^[12] This thing that I am, whatever we are to call it, is flesh, spirit, and the (directing mind) [different translation, but I prefer it to “command center”] Forget your books-and don’t let it upset you- that’s not allowed. (Waterfield Meditation pg. 30)

^[13] But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. The Lord’s bondservant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the Truth (2 Timothy 2:23-25 NASB)

^[14] Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare, you will have welfare (Jeremiah 29:7, NASB)